Nearly 9 months

I have failed to materialise the initial purpose of revamping this blog. I absentmindedly walked back to what it used to be before revamping. I failed NOT to talk about the past.

But I promise, these talks about the past will eventually lead me to a brighter future. I shall learn from the mistakes I made from the past. The past is what makes the future what it is - better and more meaningful.

So while we're on the subject.....

I was feeling a little melodramatic today. And by today, I mean the 16th of May, Monday. This post is late by a half-hour plus.

I finally opened my diary - the one I feared the most to even have a look at. I knew I wasn't strong enough to face it. To tell it why I haven't been writing. And I expected that when I did have the courage to open and read it, I would cry.

But I didn't really cry. My action and reaction completely took me by surprise. I didn't read the mushy parts, which are only at the beginning of the diary. How sad right?

I read the rest of the diary - and it made me form a decision right there and then. I wouldn't make it official and final yet - not before performing Istikhorah, but this much I'm sure - three nights from now, I will make it official.

I will not go back to the past. Not even when I have the chance. I know there's no second chance, but that was made sure before by only his side. This time, I KNOW there won't be a second chance, because I want it that way too. He's finally got what he's always wanted. We are now on the same page. There will never be you and me - again. (unless if God wants it.)

That's that.

Dear diary, I'm sorry I didn't write in you at all last year. There was no record of 2010. I couldn't bear to tell you. I'm going to write in you again soon. And tell you the news I should have told you 9 months ago.

Untangling

The truth is....the bottle's emptied out. Pretty much. I am ready. But I'm not going to tell you that. You would just have my word for it, which may as well be a lie as it is the truth. There's no telling.

I want you to see it yourself. I want you to be convinced, not by my words, but by your own heart.

I did what I did because I knew it didn't matter to me. But I didn't think how it would seem to you. My mistake. Now you're going to start from the beginning. But that's okay. I'll wait for you. I'll be here, waiting.

Time will have the answer you're looking for. =)

Paranoia

Sometimes I ask my close friend, Y, if I have changed - attitude-wise, acting weird and cold - you know, ever since she's in a relationship. This is due to past experience. My idleness was misinterpreted. But let's leave it at that.

Dang, do you feel like I've changed? Like perhaps I'm cold or 'jealous' because you spend a lot of time with your fiance? Because I totally am not, it's just me being oblivious - as always.

No. On the contrary, I'm the one who's feeling guilty sometimes for ditching you to spend more time with him.

Yeah, that's how it should be (not helping). LOL. But that's understandable, really. If I were you, perhaps I'd do the same too.

That's paranoia talking there!