Fragile

Be careful with my heart. It's as fragile as glass. 10 times more fragile. Don't toss it around even if you're a skillful player.

The dirt

Maybe I haven't been blogging much because I'm just unsure what the theme of this blog is. Do I talk about school, personal life, love life or what? Or all of them? Well I guess the latter is going to apply here. I'm not gonna talk about school. My mind and heart have been occupied with that almost the entire week - and that's an understatement. There are some things and stuff on my to-do list that are never ticked as done up until now. Some of them have been on the list for months. I don't know, I just don't have the time. And it scares me sometimes. *pfft* I seriously need to drop some routines in order to squeeze in beneficial ones. You know, like reciting the Holy Book. It's been a while. =/

And yet, here I am talking about school again. *sigh* Okay, here's a totally unrelated topic. My grief. When I broke up almost 8 months ago, naturally I did some googling - as most girls would in my situation, I'm sure. One of them was of course 'How to make your boyfriend fall in love with you again." Eeecchh. And of course while googling, I came across 'the grief'. Now there are five stages of grief, and those suffering loss will have to go through all five stages, regardless the order. Here are the stages (from memory) :

1. Anger

2. Denial

3. Depression

4. Bargaining

5. Acceptance

I've gone through them all - but uh - it wasn't always easy. I only had denial for a while. Depression, not so much. Well, I did cry a lot but maybe that was just sadness. Bargaining, only a tad bit. I bargained once, or twice, and that was it because he seemed so firm and final and sure. So, I knew better than to push further. And then anger. Anger came and went. One day, I'd be all okay, the next, I'd be all pissed and annoyed. I'll elaborate about this more. Finally, there's acceptance. I declared I was on this stage months ago, but I never thought I'd have to be off this stage first to fully embrace the concept of accepting. I mean - so long as I was still on this stage, I'd still be on the process of accepting, not accepting yet. Get the difference? And I was on this stage the longest! Right now, I'm not sure if I'm done with it or not.

I made myself believe I have accepted the fact that it's over, but at the same time I don't wanna move on. The love was still there. I was still having hopes, high hopes. Hopelessly hoping. I got distractions, but eventually they faded away and I'd be back to square one, like I knew I would. Now, realise that I've used the past form. I think I'm over him, but I wanna give it some time, just to be sure.

Two months after breakup, I kinda had a crush on someone. The fog was not lifted then, so most people reckoned - and correctly I may add - that it wouldn't last. Eventually my feelings would run out. And a friend was kinda astonished too, said, "you were with this guy for almost 8 years, and two months later you've begun to like someone else? How is that possible?" Well, they were right. It's not. It was just impulse. It would go with the blow of the wind. And yes, I was back to being hopelessly in love with him. What is this guy made of?? pfftt

My friends said I should be mad at him. Sometimes I am. But most of the times, I just missed him. Okay, so here's why I should be furious at him. Bear in mind, he is a good and decent guy, but I guess when it comes to girls, he's just a jerk. This is coming from an ex-girlfriend, so naturally it's going to be biased and one-sided. Please don't draw conclusions. =)

After a week or two from our breakup, he announced publicly on his Facebook profile that he was looking for a life partner. That sucked. It hurt me more than the breakup itself. It ripped me open to see that he was eager to move on from me. Not only that, some of his status updates were kinda misleading, and in the eyes of those not in the know, it would look like as if I was the one being ungrateful and empty, thus ending the relationship.

Sometimes I wondered, why would someone be so heartless? Fine, to stop loving a person can sometimes be unavoidable, but to show your happiness and gratitude without considering the one you just dumped, isn't that just cold? FISH cold.

Man, just writing about it, remembering it again - makes me wanna cry.

How could I go through all that? Because at that time, I was trying so hard to be positive. I don't believe anyone could be THAT heartless. Even jerks like him. I thought he must have done it because he thought it would be easier for me to move on when he was being mean. So that I wouldn't think of him again as someone noble and good. So maybe that was why he was doing it. To get me to move on.

Having that theory didn't help. Because I believed in it, thus believing that despite all that, he was still a good guy. pfffttt.

Ah, this always happens. I've lost my mood. So I'm going to give you an abrupt end. Till next post

xx

The process

So here's how I see it. The process of standing up again. To have a full heart again.

You empty it out first. Along the process you cannot fill in any new feelings. They will have to wait.

Once it's emptied out, you can either choose to keep it empty for a while, or fill it in with new feelings.

At least that way, the old and new won't get mixed up and confuse you.

Otherwise if you're eager to fill it up when it's not empty, you may not be able to see things clearly, and in the process of 'unbreaking' your heart, you break someone else's heart.

You're the one who will be stamped as 'heartless'.

The correct term would be heart-wounded, or unhealed heart. But people won't know the difference.

So my point is, I'm just gonna take my time until I'm fully sure my feeling for him are completely binned.